"In this 7-part series Nathamon reveals the secrets of why some Western - Thai couples enjoy loving, life-affirming relationships -- while others crash and burn in bitterness.  Understanding these secrets will give you the keys to unlock true passion and intimacy – and rejuvenate your love life!”

Part 4:  The Masculinity-Femininity Dimension – What your Thai partner will NEVER tell you

In the last issue, I shared the third key to understanding what makes your Thai lady “tick:” how she views uncertainty and deals with the stress or anxiety of not being in control.  Understanding that the rituals and (for lack of a better word) “superstitions” are all attempts to keep good things happening and prevent bad things from happening will help you see her behavior as normal and practical – to her.  And discussing your differences calmly, patiently and openly can actually help the two of you get closer.

In this article, I’ll share with you the differences in how your Western culture and her Thai culture view the concepts of achievement and nurturing – in other words, masculinity and femininity.  In looking at the “masculinity-femininity” dimension, I want to be clear that it’s not about how you are a boy and she is a girl and therefore you behave differently.  It’s about the masculinity or femininity of the culture in which you were raised.  While your different cultures stress and reinforce “masculine” or “feminine” attitudes and behaviors, where these differences will be most obvious to you will be in the ways the two of you approach conflict, disagreement, or argument.

If you can begin to see these differences, talk about them with curiosity and the intention to really understand each other, you’ll develop your own ways of balancing each other as you work toward resolving conflicts or solving problems.

The Fourth Key:  What’s more important -- the result or the relationship?

Carl was delighted in the early stages of his relationship with Mali.  He loved her soft, gentle, non-competitive nature.  And he was surprised at how easy it was for him to make decisions without having to argue them to death, especially in light of his stormy relationship with his first wife.  Whenever he wanted to do something, Mali would just smile and go along – offering no protest, counter-offer, or disagreement.  “She treats me like a prince,” he often said in wonder.

When his job in Thailand ended, Carl and Mali moved to the United States, where he took another job.  Because he was the “new guy,” he spent long hours at the office – and combined with his commute, his workday was close to 12 hours, leaving him little time for their relationship. Realizing she must be bored and lonely, Carl suggested Mali take a part-time job to make some friends and relieve the boredom and loneliness.  She smiled, and said she feared her English wasn’t good enough.  So he suggested she take some classes at the local college to pass the time and improve her English.  She smiled and nodded, but did not go.  After several months, Carl became frustrated at Mali’s inaction and what he thought of as her increasing laziness.  “She has no ambition. She just sits around the house all day, and clings to me when I get home.  And when we argue about it, she just shuts down.”

Is this relationship doomed to fail?  Maybe. Both Carl and Mali need to be willing to talk about their different ambitions and drives, as well as their needs to balance achievement with harmony.  Once they understand their differences are born from their almost opposite cultural priorities, they can discuss them calmly, rationally, and openly, and negotiate a balance in their relationship that works for both of them and makes them both happier.

Results vs. Relationship, or…”Masculinity vs. Femininity” as a Cultural Bias

In previous articles, I’ve shown you that cultural attitudes in the West are often almost opposite those in Thailand.  The West has a focus on the individual, and Thailand focuses on the group, for example.  Or in the West, the society works to eliminate the stress of uncertainty by focusing on rules and regulations, and in Thailand that stress is relieved through the rituals of religion.  In a similar way, your Western culture is more “masculine,” while her Thai culture is more “feminine.”

I’m not talking here about the obvious differences between individual men and women.  I’m talking about what the culture values, and how people within the society are trained to behave.  If it values achievement, assertiveness, and “fighting to win,” a culture is said to be “more masculine.”  And if a culture values harmony, fitting in, and “compromising to win,” it is said to be more “feminine.”

Your Western culture, whether it’s Australian, American, British, or Canadian, tends to value and reward behavior that can be said to be more masculine.  Everyone, whether it’s men, women, or children, is trained to value achievement, accomplishment, assertiveness, and competence.  It’s why many Western men complain that the women of their home culture are “too aggressive.”  And it’s why Carl is working his butt off to prove he is competent and capable of providing for his family.  (It’s also why he’s exhausted at the end of the day, with little time to spend on his relationship with Mali.)

Her Thai culture tends to value harmony and balance above all else, and reinforces behavior that can be said to be more feminine.  Everyone, whether it’s men, women, or children, is trained to value peace, community, and fitting in.  That’s why your Thai partner will not openly argue with you or compete with you in conversation – and sometimes why she won’t even venture an opinion – she truly thinks that doing so will create disharmony, and she’ll either sacrifice her own needs to keep your relationship in balance, or offer “passive resistance” rather than openly disagree with you.  (In our example, Mali feels the relationship is “out of balance,” and rather than express her displeasure or make direct requests, she’s protesting the only way she knows how.)

Let me illustrate some of the other obvious differences between a “masculine” culture and a “feminine” culture with a chart:

So what do these differences mean to you? 

As a friend of mine once told me, “When my husband is acting hard, I find it best to react by being soft.”  In other words, in your relationship with your Thai lady, you might have to be extra aware of when you are being too “hard” in your approach to life, because you can count on her to react by being too soft.  You may never know she has a problem with your behavior or your decisions unless you are willing to reassure her that it’s okay for her to openly express her opinions, wishes and needs – that you won’t get angry if she does.

The whole “masculine-feminine” thing is more about working together to find the perfect balance in your relationship.  If you find that balance, your relationship is bound to be deep, profound, and a source of quiet joy to you both.

Next in the series…

In the next issue of this newsletter, I’ll share with you the fifth of the cultural secrets that can impact your relationship with your Thai lady – it’s the “Communication Dimension” of your respective cultures.  I’ll help you understand…

• Why it’s not WHAT you say, but HOW you say it that is the most important thing to remember when communicating with your Thai lady.
• When what she says is NOT what she means – how to prevent the kinds of misunderstandings that can torpedo your relationship
• What to do when your Thai partner “clams up” – and how to get her to be honest and open with you
• What it REALLY means when your Thai lady “changes the subject” or just leaves the room before you’ve finished the conversation
• And much, much more!