"In this 7-part series Nathamon reveals the secrets of why some Western - Thai couples enjoy loving, life-affirming relationships -- while others crash and burn in bitterness. Understanding these secrets will give you the keys to unlock true passion and intimacy – and rejuvenate your love life!”

Wow, we’ve come a long way! In the last six issues I revealed the secret keys to the “strange” behavior you might see from your Thai partner – or experience if you’ve spent any time in Thailand. And it goes without saying that your Thai lady (and the Thai people in general) might find your behavior a little weird at times, too. So far I’ve shown you six of these key cultural secrets:

1. Individualism vs. Collectivism
2. Power vs. Equality
3. Control vs. Uncertainty
4. Masculinity vs. Femininity
5. “High-context” vs. “Low-context” Communication
6. “On Time” vs. “In Time”

I wish I could take credit for identifying these contrasts all by myself – but it’s time to admit it: I’ve had help. Particularly the work of G.Hofstede, a Dutch anthropologist and author of Cultures and Organizations-Software of the Mind (1991, McGraw-Hill). My husband and I studied this work together to help us understand the “mechanics” of our relationship. And understanding these big cultural differences has helped us become closer, deepened our trust and intimacy, and at times made us laugh!

Now it’s time for the last of the seven cultural keys – and I promise it will add to your understanding the same way it’s added to ours.

Part 7: “Being” vs. “Doing” – What your Thai partner will NEVER tell you

Let me begin with a question: Is life a collection of events to be experienced, or is it a series of problems to be solved?

You, as a Western guy, will probably answer that life consists of a series of problems and it is your job to solve them. Your job in life, according to your culture (whether it’s American, Australian, British, or northern European), is to spend your life making something of yourself – to produce, to be useful, to contribute. You may have been raised with the idea that “idle hands are the devil’s playground,” and feel you must fill every day with “doing.” Your life is probably fast, hectic, and stressful as a result.

We Thais, on the other hand, would answer that life is a collection of events to be experienced, and it is our job to “be” – whatever life presents to us. Our job in life, according to our culture, is to seek harmony, balance, and participation – enjoying the rhythm of life instead of trying to “change” or “improve” it. We have been raised with the idea that all events are driven by Karma and are pretty much inevitable, so we fill our days with contemplation, reflection and deepening our inner understanding of the “status quo.” Our lives (Bangkok excepted!) are slower, more relaxed, and more playful as a result.

Let’s look at an example:

Roy and Tola are discussing one of Roy’s friends. Roy says, “I really respect Frank. He’s worked his way up from nothing, and owns three businesses – he’s a self-taught genius, and everything he touches is a success. Sure, he can be a bit of a bastard sometimes, but it’s all aimed at getting results as fast as he can – and he’s brilliant at it.” In Roy’s description, you can see how much he values what Frank does. The goals he pursues. The results he gets. The “doing” that is Frank.

Tola describes Frank differently: “Frank is unhappy, arrogant, and hurtful to people with his words.” His “doing-ness” is not as important to her – it’s how he is “being” that strikes her as his most important characteristic.

Here’s another example. Let’s say you’re working in Thailand, running an office that has many Thai workers. Your American company has brought a climate of “work is for work” into Bangkok, and you are finding yourself frustrated by how much time the Thai people spend chatting, socializing, making and receiving personal phone calls – in other words, it looks like they’re not paying attention to the “task at hand.” It’s pretty easy to see that your Thai workers are “being” at work, rather than “doing” the work.

Like I’ve done with some of our other cultural keys, let me illustrate these differences with a chart:

So what does this mean to you?

In your relationships with Thai people, you will no doubt become frustrated or confused by the difference in focus between “doing” and “being.” Sometimes it might feel like you’ve run full speed into a brick wall – you want or need something done, and you need it done now – and the Thai reaction will be relaxed, slow, and maybe even circular in trying to help you get your needs met. And sometimes it might seem that the more you push, the slower things get!

In spite of your frustration, it’s important to relax – it’s not personal. It’s just a different way of looking at and reacting to the world. If you can be willing to slow down, give more thoughtful consideration to the end result you’re looking for than to the way it gets done, you might find yourself surprised at the decrease in stress.

If you are in a relationship with a Thai lady, the most important skill to develop is patience, as you struggle to get things done and she struggles to make you happy the only way she knows how. Over time, you may find yourself approaching life more leisurely – and she may find herself empowered to take action where before she wouldn’t have even dreamed of it.

To summarize this long discussion of cultural differences…

In this and the last six articles, I’ve shared cultural secrets that can help you develop loving, long-lasting, and profound relationships with a Thai partner. Let me summarize with a reminder – and a word or two of advice – about each one:

Individualism vs. Collectivism

You value being “your own man” – she values being part of the group. Once you’re committed to your relationship, you become part of a “group” that includes her family, her friends, and yours. If she asks for money, gifts, or favors for her family, remember it’s not about greed or selfishness – it’s about sharing with the group. Make sure to discuss and agree on the limits of generosity.

Equality vs. Power

She is born of a culture that respects and values the distribution of power – some have it, some don’t. You are from a culture that values equality. She may be horrified at how casually you treat people she sees as “powerful” – you may be equally horrified at how deferential she can be to people you see as equals. If you honestly discuss your differences, you’ll find a way to “meet in the middle.” Just remember not to abuse the power she gives you – paybacks are painful!

Control vs. Uncertainty

Your culture stresses the importance of controlling things – people, animals, machines, even life. Her culture stresses that life is uncertain, and that’s okay. For a happy, rewarding relationship, it will be important for you to recognize that you can’t control everything – and for her to recognize that there are some things that it’s alright to assert herself about. Again, patience and honest conversation can help you work out a compromise.

Masculinity vs. Femininity

Remember the concept of “masculinity” or “femininity” applies to your respective cultures, not your personalities. Your masculine culture values aggression, argument, and fighting for what’s right, while hers values harmony, compromise, and collaboration to find what’s right. You may find that you have much to teach each other!

“High-context” vs. “Low-context” Communication

She was raised to pay more attention to what’s going on in the background of communication, rather to the words that are said. You were raised to speak your mind, get to the point, and say your piece. Her insight can be valuable to you, offering you clues that might help you communicate better. Your willingness to be open can be helpful to her, teaching her that it’s okay to tell you what’s on her mind rather than making you guess.

“On Time” vs. “In Time”

You see time as a line, as something you can organize, save, spend, or waste. Deadlines, appointments, and schedules (and your watch) run your life. She sees time as a sphere that holds many events simultaneously, and as a flow that brings different experiences into the present. It’s important that you share why your schedule, your deadline, or your appointment deserves punctuality – and understand that she may have a larger tolerance for being “late” than you do!

Doing vs. Being

She comes from a very old culture that values being over doing. You come from a relatively young culture that emphasizes the value of doing and achievement. Recognize that she may take longer to achieve a goal because to her, the journey is most important. And learn to slow down and appreciate the way life unfolds.

In the next issue…

You can relax…school is over! In the next issue, I’ll give you a list of Do’s and Don’ts to make sure you don’t kill your relationship before it even has a chance to flower. I’ll show you exactly how, with such different cultures and ideologies, you can discover how to understand, learn from each other, grow in love, trust and intimacy, and build the loving relationship of your dreams.